Sunday, September 30

Notes on DC

Welcome to Hell (or Virginia)
the train ride was unevetful as a train ride tends to be these days. no robbers or bums sleeping in a freight car. the food was nukedd by an oddly inefficient attenant with a speech issue. it was relatively quiet, but when you pay a premium i suppose you respect the premium of those arround you (remember this was only business class not the entitled ritz of first class).

the taxi was also as eventful as a taxi actually is in the world. my cabbie kept sleeping while driving. that is always fun, to be riding with a sleeping driver. the seatbest and sheer size of the car gave me some security until we crossed the potomac river. luckily he seemed extra aware of his duty at that point in time.

the hotel...oh, the hotel. my room is literally in the basement and it does not have a safety latch. but it is relatively clean.

later that night....

C.O.S. - written after one very strong jack and coke
wtf?!? why bother to attend a class which is already outdated for me? well because it seems one needs a ridiculous piece of paper to determine what you get to do at work. so for the price of extremem boredom i get out of the office occasionally. sounds like a deal.

so, should i be a d.c. town gay? it is tempting for odd reasons such as my desire to live a life so distant from that of my family. to live enveloped in history is beyond a dream and the variety of possibilities is almost endless...say nothing of the possibility of relationships. ah a city. a life that is counterintuitive that its draw pulls my soul at all angles. but of course, i would not be able to lead the life i would want to at least not until i found a great source of money. in this city money is a necessity.

so careers. (obviously...did you think i was going ot say where to marry rich?) what could i do in d.c.? or, for that matter, boston? well the baby is not going on hold so it would have to be a baby friendly pick and i could not afford to do nonprofit in a city like those. i'd have to do something "sell out" like actually becoming something like a lawyer or something.

relationships in btv. ha. i love the idea of the country life. trully that is my home deep down, but i fear that it would mean solo forever. so two plunges at once? r can i truthfully deal with a possible future of soloness indefinately? answer for me either.

and of course there is the chance that the city would be nothing. all it would do is ruin my soul and make my baby a snob, oh wait, i'll probably make my baby a snob on my own. but a city how would a city influence me poorly? spend thrift times a million. buy, yay, culture infux. yet i get why the city is so tempting to a gay. sheer numbers alone. the breed possibility. unknown possibilities of a life that may only be dreamed because wherever, i will still be me and can only become who i am to a million "buts." how about: "drink more, think less."

oh boy. i am tired. i most certainly stayed out too late as well as walked way too far, but it was good. touring the city and the memorials was terrific. better yet i did it without distraction of the cell phone. i was certainly moved by the vietnam wall and statues. seeing the raw emotion of vets reading names, crying or solemnly standing obsoring was odd. i know that war damage never goes away, but i am so sheilded from it. now i understand it better. i understand the impact, life long sacrifice and the importance of honoring those who served. yes war is bad and yes our country wars too easily; however, the men and women who give themselves to the cause deserve our utmost respect regardless of our differing views.

the service in this hotel restaurant is awful. or at least my server is. as a point of note it should not take 15 minutes for a salad to arrive or 40 minutes for a panini especially when there are 20 people here most of whom sat after me and got their food before me.

the baby stuff has arrived which is very exciting. now, where is the baby? i wonder if the baby is conceived yet of if i am still waiting for an "oops" moment. it is funny to be so uncertain about something so huge. not uncertain due to the decision, but due to the unknown date of arrival. people keep saying that it is my pregnancy - gestation - but that has a definative time period whereas i am basically in the dark. oh well. the furniture is in and that is great. leo will love sleeping on it. maybe he'll get it out of his system so when the baby comes he doesn't go in the crib. yeah, right.

oh man. love mike and jeremy. hate (not really) the party nights with those boys. last night was super fun! jeremy picked me up at the hotel. we went to their house which is a lovely classic bungalow. it is a bit empoty, but that are gay men without children. so we chatted a bit and then went to dinner. great tex mex with huge margaritas. post dinner we started on the bar hops. of course we started at the boring pretentious gay bar full of pretty and successful boys talking about god only knows what. i decided that i needed to be somehwere much more fun, so i pushed for jrs. that was much better. i met a very attractive (read: pudgy, brilliant, handsome and short) greek dude to turned out to be a neurologist. really, a fucking neurologist who probably has the ability to make millions on top of millions of dollars and who prefers boton over d.c. it could well be that he is an actor the boys paid in their effort to get me to leave vermont. yes, there was the recurring "you should leave vermont. you are smart, attractive and young." but, d.d., what would i do in a place like this? be insane.

so, speaking of going insane, here is a list of the bars:
omega, apex, halo and jrs.

two thirty in the morning. yes, i have an exam soon, but does that stop jeremy and me? ha ha ha. no. luckily the closed doors on the bars kept us out.

Monday, September 24

the idea of family

so i read today during my lunch hour. it was nice. it was, of course, an adoption book. actually i should not say of course because this is the first adoption book since i initiated the ban after the first four. anyway the chapter i read was about family. oh, i should explain.

as it turns out family relationships in nontraditional families such as gay and lesbian households can be more complicated for a child to discipher. the causes of this is not simply based on having two parents of the same sex, but due to the traditional family makeup of many gay and lesbians in the nation. see, most people are not as lucky as me. many of them have distant if not strained relationships with their biological family members. this leads to a blended family made up of friends rather than kin. apparently this can be confusing to a child, which makes sense.

regardless of this conversation which can be deep and complicated, it did make me think about my family and its development over the years. my kid will have a strong traditional family for sure as my parents, siblings, cousins, etc. are very involved in each other's lives. beyond the traditional family i also have a handful of very close friends who will gain titles to my child. there are going to be extra aunts and maybe an extra uncle or two. so this is a good thing. i realize the impact of nonfamily members in my childhood, the active role they played both directly and indirectly in my own development. i am excited that my child will benefit from my friends and their experiencal advice.

so, family, yeah, it is definately one of those cheesy topics that get all mushy quickly, but i am grateful for the fantastic montly crew of individuals who will be my child's extended family network - just do not ask me to draw the tree.

Monday, September 17

Elephant - A Fable in One Act

I don't usually like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting...

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Thursday, September 13

random continued

so this is apparently a new clearinghouse of my stupid ideas, but hell, it is a blog and that is what it exists for, right?

what makes me happy? what is it that i want to do with my life beyond being a parent that will allow me to look back when i am lounging on my death bed and feel content with the wake i left in my path. friends. family. success financially. social change. social benefit. art. these are the things that bring me the most happiness and the things that i want to leave behind. so how do i go about creating those elements in my life?

well friends are done. i have some of the best friends that i could ever possibly imagine. family is great too, plus soon there will be a wiggly little baby that will become the best newest addition to my life.

financial success...well someday i will learn how to balance my checkbook thereby having a lot more financial success. probably when the baby comes i will start to be fiscally responsible...hopefully anyways.

social change. currently i effect change through management of donations, but not on a grand scheme. perhaps i could join a board of directors for some non-profit or something that works towards social justice. unfortunately most of the causes i care about are causes that have a certain type of person who would be less than impressed with my style of approach and wardrobe (i dress in clothes manufactured by developing nations in what probably amount to sweat shops...). regardless, i am sure i can find some kind of board or committee that will take me on and don't answer to the adjective republican.

social benefit. see above. really, those hippies and "renegade down with the man" types would hate my approach and clothing. and i don't like hemp. it sits funny on my body making me appear fat or spherical. not my idea of a good time.

art. ah, art. maybe i should just throw this professionalism away and become a musician or a photographer. oh, or i could write stuff. yeah, because my command of the written word is amazing (sarcasm, fyi). actually if i dumped my normal job and took up a career in the arts i would be able to join a board because my clothing would rapidly deteriorate and i would fit the image of the social causes i like. i might even shave less. but of course i would be a singer in something of the vein of blues or jazz plus standards from the sinatra days, which would mean i would still have to be put together. dammit. if only i were a dirty hippie :)

Wednesday, September 12


so it is wednesday evening. i am sitting in front of my computer rather than the television in order to shake things up a bit. actually i sit home a lot of nights just passing time, then i complain about getting older and not feeling that much was accomplished in those younger years. but this past year is different; however, i am going to save that for the birthday post.

so what am i doing on a wednesday at 6:20? well, i am sipping (not gulping or downing) some wine. it is nice and refreshing like grape juice, but not as good for you. well maybe it is but that really depends on your perspective and how much you trust the french. g.w. probably does not believe in the benefits of wine but he also sponsored freedom fries. honestly, how could so many people be so tragically stupid? anyway, back to me. i tried some emailing. that was dull. no one else is reading email at 6:20 p.m. i did some gardening earlier. something that needed to be done since july, but that i just did not get around to doing. just moving some stuff around so that it can root prior to the end of the growing season (i may be wrong, but whatever) and still thrive next summer. i cleaned. now i sit. i am bored. can you tell?

okay, i need to confess something and you should not think less of me because of it. one of my latest guilty pleasures is which is a blog site of celebrity gossip run by an overweight hidious queen who renamed himself perez hilton and managed to grasp onto some fleeting fame. actually, he might be aptly named when i think of it that way. anywoo, he now has a show on vh1 which i do not get so i do not watch but i doubt my lack of vh1 is going to end his show. basically he is a loser with fame. again, these paris hilton parrells are amazing. so, back to my rant, what gets me is that he is able to gain fame through the selfish flogging of people he doesn't know because we as americans are so quick to join the band wagon so long as it makes us feel better about our lackluster lives. our lackluster lives which really are not all that lackluster at all. i mean, of those people who watch him, how many do you think live in a dark cave with nothing to do but watch a fat drunk queen bitch about people who earned fame through their talents?

(warning: this is an insane tangent...remember, wine) so what do i say? fuck it. let's make our lives exactly what we want them to be. let's get rid of our boring hum dum daily routines and do what makes us happy. for me? not sure. perhaps being a book reviewer. yeah. that would rock. or perhaps someone that works for a charity that actually pays well. i would love to help but not suffer at the same time. or marry well...oh right, that doesn't happen unless it is cinderella.

hmmm...what do you want to change?

Thursday, September 6

singles party - a portrait

Upon paying the nice smiley woman at the door you are handed two stickers with an identical number on each of them. "This is how people are able to iSpy you," she gleefully states while a twinge of pity flashes through her eyes. Pity, why? Perhaps she found love young and revels in the knowledge that she will return to a partner waiting for her to continue their life travels.

Enter the bar. It is fairly full, luckily not smoky although a pack of cigarettes would probably ease your nerves. Classic bar lighting keeps you from scowling - good for the wrinkles and perceived perception - except for an oddly bright area. Oh, it seems that the primary center of the singles party is lit up like a Christmas tree in NYC because you need to be able to see the numbers pasted loosely onto other singles clothing. Great idea party hosts. Corral a bunch of singles into a bar, give them alcohol, rely on bright unflattering down lighting and expect them to meet new and interesting people. Thankfully the bartender seems to be alert and ready to make you a drink. Alcohol will not only make the other people at the party more attractive, but it will dull the pain that will be shotgunning through your eyes once you step into the bright abyss of the singles party.

A large screen is the center of attention, nervous anticipating eyes scour it for mention of their black number...a connection that they desire. A singles party could well be the last hope of an increasingly anxious thirty something and the room reads of desperation. Of course you join them in the reading of passing comments. Ever watch someone type live? As it turns out the experience is not very fun but apparently more fun than meeting singles, you know, the entire reason you subjected yourself to this torture.

Finally, after two drinks you decide that you are full of alcohol and desperation, blinded and possibly sunburned by the UFO-mocking bright lights, and, quite simply, done with the night. Besides it is 8:30 p.m. and there are television shows to watch. You leave.