Monday, November 12

sometimes things are just dark...

so last week, well, actually partly the week prior, i had this weird moment when i realized that indeed i am skipping out on part of my life. i think it was when i was reflecting so much on the life and times of my friends' mom who passed away and how much she lived. then i thought about my own life and what i am doing that one day i can look back on and say, "hey, i did that."

so what is it that i can do? well, i could run away to join the peace corps like i always wanted to do or i could switch my job to something where i am not a low level bureaucrat trying to make a difference but without the ability to do anything.

additionally i think i am finally done with burlington and this little world. this is the hardest part for me because i am so in love with my friends, but i also know that i just cannot be happy here anymore. there is so much that i miss. quiet nights, not locking my doors on the car, not worrying about the dog running into a street and just relaxing. of course that is partnered with my inability to sit in one place for longer than 30 you get my confusion.

i actually thought about leaving a lot this past weekend. i could find something else to do in the world. i could join the peace corps and leave in a month. (of course i would fly back instantly were i to get the baby call) oddly enough the part i worry about the most is leaving my dog. i couldn't leave my sputnik for an entire year. so maybe i just need to find my adventure here.

i guess i just do not want to die someday and not leave a legacy. or at least not leave an interesting legacy. right now all i have is that i lived. pretty fucked up thing to focus on, ehe?

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